Bathsheba's Preface

“If Only ...”

There were numerous times in my life when two little words dominated my thoughts.  The words are “if” and “only”.  When strung together to start a sentence they create a special kind of thought. “If only …”  Not “special” though in a cute and comforting way; but “special” in a depressing and disheartening way.  All too often I found myself reflecting darkly “If only …”.

Those were not the best of times.  Rather they were times of emotional misery.  I was consumed by the need to look back at my life in regret, in despair.  You know, when you are focused on looking back you can’t see what is standing right before you!  And so it was with my life.  Despair is not a pretty thing.  It can eat at you like a canker.  It can grow inside you like a cancer.  It can debilitate a person.  It can become the thing that defines your life!

And that is not even the worst.  Wherever there is despair something even more debilitating is lurking.  Despair is a secondary response.  It is spawned from a black pool of pain.  Look into this pool and you see the source of the pain reflected back.  You see the all too real, the all too painful injury that precipitated the despair.  You revisit the painful emotions – shame, grief, guilt, betrayal, fear … .  You are the central figure in the displayed drama.  Swirling around you are all the “If only …”’s; all the self-incriminating doubt and accusations.  “If only I had …”  “If only he had not …”  “If only it had been different!”